I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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