I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
