Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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