ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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