I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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