I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
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