4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
