i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
My penis needs a shock collar
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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