i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
i wish my penis had a tongue
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
