Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
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Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
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I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
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