I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
