if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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