everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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