Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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