HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
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