I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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