I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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