Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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