it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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