I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
