im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
