Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
