Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
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