Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
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