before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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