Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
