I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
