you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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