You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
