First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Randomize
