i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
