New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
