you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
