I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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