i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
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