My first STD was from a foam party
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Sober January is a disaster.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
