maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
