I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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