at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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