The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
