Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
