3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
She tied me up with her honor cords...
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Randomize
