White coat. Heels.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
