Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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