I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
