who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Randomize