the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
