I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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