and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
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