I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
