yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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