I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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