you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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