when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
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