I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
