BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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