sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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