also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
