im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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