oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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