he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Randomize
